Couples therapy starts with three sessions as part of the assessment and onboarding process. First, we meet all together to identify shared goals for couples therapy and explore your relationship history together. Questions in this first meeting range from what first attracted you to one another to what strengths and weaknesses do you each bring to the relationship when communicating. Next, I meet with each partner individually to get general background information that helps me get to know each partner’s attachment history better. As we get started, the focus is not on “fixing” anything but on getting to know each partner and the patterns of the relationship. 

Transitioning back to meeting all together, the early stages of couples therapy focus on slowing down and examining patterns of conflict, distance, and miscommunication from each partner's perspective. Rather than focusing on who is right or wrong, we work to identify the hurt and needs at the core of negative relationship cycles. As such, early sessions can feel emotional, especially when there has been a lot of tension or distance. That is a normal part of the process. Therapy provides a structured space to slow down, stay present, and begin practicing increased compassion and new ways of communicating even during difficult moments.

The answer to this question does depend on the goals you bring to therapy. However, I see therapy starting to work when we begin to understand the attachment needs and impulses behind the patterns leading to conflict. As we come to compassionately understand why the patterns are there, including past hurts from before the relationship even started, it becomes easier to make changes to the pattern. I see things shift when flexibility, compassion, and curiosity make it possible for each partner to turn towards one another in moments of emotional pain. These tools move couples towards being on the same team. From there the goals you bring to therapy become more accessible, and you are able to grow tools to confront future problems long after completing couples therapy. 

Attachment theory is built on the principle that we are all born with an innate need for connection and close emotional bonds. In infancy these bonds are formed with our earliest caregivers and adapt to build connection and emotional intimacy. However, as we grow the patterns of attachment we learned earlier in life impact how we relate to ourselves and others. Patterns are not static, but often require attention and care to change. 

In couples therapy, we look to understand the attachment patterns so that we can change the patterns. Starting with compassion and curiosity for why the patterns exist and the underlying attachment needs, we gain more flexibility to look at how the patterns are or are not helpful in the relationship. Therapy then becomes a safe place to build responsive and engaging emotions to explore together the needs of each partner and the relationship. 

Couples therapy can still be immensely helpful! When couples learn how to turn towards each other in moments of stress and understand one another's fears, the conflict feels less like an attack and the stress feels more like a shared responsibility. It’s easier to work as a team when you can trust the answers to the core questions: 

Do I matter to you? Am I valued for who I am? Can I rely on you? Will you be there when I need you? 

Even if the stressors can’t disappear overnight, increasing connection and compassion can be protective in and of itself.

Ambivalence is often an important part of couples therapy. One or both partners may fear losing the good parts of the relationship while also fearing what might be given up when staying in the relationship. The goal of couples therapy is not to keep partners together but to decide what to do next with compassion and clarity to reduce unnecessary hurt. 

It may seem counterintuitive, but the tools of understanding are helpful even when there are barriers to staying together. Sometimes, couples have incompatible needs that may not go away. For example, one partner may be wanting to move or become a parent while another partner does not. Compassion creates space for both truths and respects the boundaries and limits of each partner. 

Couples therapy can help partners decide whether to stay together or separate from a place of love rather than contempt.

As a therapist and a person, I have little interest in pathologizing the people sitting with me. My goal is to help couples shift from seeing each other as the problem to seeing the problem as cycles of miscommunication and unmet needs. This shift puts you back on the same team, which builds the emotional safety to move forward and address the problem together. At times, this can look like me stopping and directly pointing out the cycle in the moment, particularly if things are getting more escalated. Most often, however, I strive to bring warmth and curiosity towards each partner so we can learn together why the patterns exist the way they do and ways we can change with compassion.

Yes! My license enables me to provide telehealth therapy across New York State. In-person therapy is provided at my office in Ballston Lake, New York, in close proximity to Clifton Park, Saratoga, Albany, Troy, and many other parts of the Capital Region.

My rates are $200 for individual therapy and $225 for couples therapy for 50 minute sessions. While I am unable to accept insurance at this time, for clients with out-of-network benefits I can provide a superbill – a receipt that you can submit to your insurance company directly for reimbursement. While I can't guarantee coverage or the amount your insurance will reimburse, Thrizer is a simple tool to explore your benefits and potential out-of-network benefits.